5 weeks old baby!

October 30^th 2011 (5 weeks old)

Dear Noah,

You’re growing up so fast. I can’t believe how much you’ve changed. Some of your newborn clothes don’t fit anymore and the blankets we used at the hospital are getting too small to swaddle you. I just don’t know, it seems like we just got out of the hospital and yet it also feel like I know you since ever. Weird huh? 

You currently weight 4900 grams (you’re gaining about 40 grams per day) and you’re growing very tall. Actually, the only reason why your newborn clothes still fit you is because you’re long, not big. Anyways, I know you’re young and everything but here is my first piece of advice for you; if you decide to procreate in the future, do it with someone that is very patient or be extremely patient yourself. It takes skills to handle you baby Noah…

First, YOU decide how you want to be handled. If you want to stand, you stand. If you want to sit, we must sit you. If you want to fly, we better make sure we make you fly. Here is what I don’t understand. When we make you “fly” we do the exact same movement as the very expensive swing we got you- WHY do you not like the swing but adore our arms? 

Second, when you are not happy, you’re really not happy. You seriously scream bloody murder. I don’t even know why it happens. Sometimes I seriously believe that you cry just to cry. Everything is fine with you, you’re content and all of a sudden you decide to start crying. Okay…well. We hold you (in 10000 different positions trying to soothe you) and listen to you cry. Let me tell you, I’ve heard better music.

Third, you don’t seem to enjoy sleep as much as mommy and daddy do. We put you to sleep everything seems fine when all of a sudden you wake up after 15 minutes. Seriously? 15 minutes? You think that’s enough? So we put you back to sleep. And you wake up after another 15 minutes. I don’t know if you enjoy making us go crazy but we really really like it when you sleep for 2-3 hours in a row. Keep doing that. Try to reduce the 15 minutes naps.

Forth, will you ever get off that boob? It seems like I feed you every hour for 1 hour each time. Seriously. Grow your own! 

That being said, daddy and I really enjoy having you around. Sure it’s not easy but it’s so worth it. Sometimes we’ll be exhausted or upset because we can’t figure what’s wrong with you and you just give us one of those cute smiles or you just do something cute in general (like punch yourself in the face and start crying) and we just forget all the rest. You’re getting pretty good at drinking. I just put you near the nipple and you can find it by yourself. I barely have to hold it. We are also trying new breastfeeding positions. So far so good. I can officially say that I can sleep while you’re breastfeeding. The problem with that is that when you’re no longer on the breast, I dream that you are. Oh well.

You’re also becoming much more vocal. You make a lot of new sounds and you enjoy repeating them over and over. It’s exciting! Soon you’ll be able to let us know what’s up with you and why you’re crying. Oh! And you can finally stay in your crib looking at your mobile for a good 10-15 minutes. Woohooo!!!! Mommy can actually go to the bathroom without you! Honestly, it feels great. You seem pretty happy when hear and see the mobile play. So I’m guessing you really enjoy it. The only thing left now is to like you’re swing. 

Almost forgot, you don’t scream bloody murder anymore when we give you a bath or when we change your diaper. You actually like warm (hottish) baths and you cry when we take you out- or when the water gets cold. As for diapers (by the way you’ve gone through +400 in two months- no kidding), you are okay with it. You’re not happy but you’re not crying which is a great improvement.

I can’t wait to see you grow a little more and at the same time, I don’t want time to go by so fast. 

We love you little bean, be good and sleep at night,

Mommy & Daddy

Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression

October 26^th 2011 (4 weeks 3 days)

Hi everyone!

Baby Noah is sleeping next to me as usual. I’m watching him because he’s sleeping on is stomach and yea- he’s not supposed to. We find it’s best that way since he has lots of gas and sleeping on his stomach eases the pain by a lot (he farts so much)! I thought I would write today about a serious topic that hit me very strong after birth; baby blues and Postpartum Depression.

My husband and I went to prenatal classes. There were four of them and one of them was about postpartum depression. I remember coming out of that class thinking; that was useless and boring! After all, I’m such a happy person and I have never suffered from depression, nor has anyone in my family. So we thought that class was perfectly useless to us.

Turns out I wish I had listened. Our birth didn’t go as planned. We wanted a natural birth at home and we ended up having to be induced at the hospital. Noah was over 42 weeks and he didn’t have enough fluid left. Not only was I put under Pitocin but our birth story ended up in a c-section, so we also needed to get an epidural (that didn’t work) and then a spinal. Everything was going fine and I labored “naturally” with Pitocin for 15 hours before knowing I would have a c-section. That gave me about an hour to realize what was happening and that my dream birth wouldn’t come true. Not even a little bit. The moment I found my first instinct was not to panic and to think about Noah and my husband. I knew I would be fine but I could only imagine how my husband felt about this operation. I could almost run his thoughts through my mind and my priority was to comfort him and assure to him that everything would be okay. I would be fine, Noah was going to be fine, we would be a happy family. Maybe I shouldn’t have acted to strong. Maybe I should have let my true feelings out but at that moment, I had such an adrenaline going through my mind and body that all that mattered was to get Noah out safely and make sure the husband would be okay with me being operated and him having to take care of Noah for his first hours of life alone. 

The rest was history. Noah came out, he was perfect. I cried when I heard his first cry- I was so happy. I started breastfeeding and he latched on like a pro! We couldn’t have been happier. The next day, my midwife came to visit and asked “how I felt about the c-section.” How did I feel? Who cares! Noah is here and it had to be done anyways, right? The second day, I woke up during the night. I wasn’t able to fall back asleep… and that’s where my nightmare started. 

Before I start this, I all the readers to know that if you are in this situation- PLEASE seek help. Don’t be afraid or ashamed there is nothing wrong about asking for help. 

So, it all started at the hospital when I suddenly woke up for no apparent reason. I then looked at Noah, sleeping next to me and this strange thought came through my mind; I’m exhausted, I can’t walk because of my c-section, I can’t even grab him, I obviously will never be able to raise this child. I stayed awake all night thinking of this. Then, the next morning, the nurse came to weight Noah. She weights him and said he had lost too much weight. He had lost 10% of his weight and that was the maximum he could lose. That honestly crushed me. I was breastfeeding non-stop, on demand. He was latching on properly and everything was fine! Why the hell was he losing weight? I called my midwife and told her about the issue. She told me to get the hell out of the hospital. It would only stress me. I left a few hours later.

Then it was sleepless nights and nasty thoughts going through my mind (mainly about not wanting this baby since I wasn’t able to take care of him). The thoughts would be present mainly at night but it wasn’t rare that throughout the day I had them. I also wasn’t hungry at all. So I barely ate (bad for breastfeeding!). I remember feeling totally lost and losing control. I would talk to my husband about it but he couldn’t help. He knew that I am a good mom, a good wife, that I shouldn’t be concerned but my mind didn’t care. I didn’t want to breastfeed anymore. I was super unmotivated. I mean, what is the point of breastfeeding anyways? He can just get formula, why should I kill myself when I’m not good enough? Then, came the need to reject him. I didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to hold him. I just didn’t want to be his mom. My husband asked me seriously “Do you want to give him up for adoption?” I thought about it and said “No.” but I wasn’t convinced. YES it’s THAT awful. My midwife had told us something about the third day being very hard mentally. So we were sure that was it…but it continued the fourth, fifth and sixth day. I didn’t know what to do anymore and decided to give a call to my midwife during a crisis at 11h30pm. She couldn’t do much over the phone but she gave me the best advice ever; “take one minute at a time.” Not…one day at a time, no no, one minute. I did. The next day, she sent a midwife that I get along with to come and talk to me. We spoke about how upset I was, about my labor that went awfully wrong. It felt good. I cried, I laughed, then cried again and laughed because I didn’t know what was going on. She said that it was most likely baby blues but that she would be honest with me; she didn’t know if it would go away. If I still felt that way after 2 weeks I would need medication. Meanwhile, she told me that sleeping and eating would help a lot. She also weight baby to reassure me that he was gaining weight. He was, he gained 120 grams in a day which is almost impossible but it made me feel so good. He was back to his birth weight. 

Before leaving, the midwife told me to try two things to sleep; Rescue remedy and Homeogene 46. TRY IT! Rescue remedy is really worth trying. I slept so well. I felt so good the next day. I was still depressed but I actually had the strength to take care of Noah. Then, after that, it went better. After a week, I was good. For me, baby blues reached its peak at 5 days and then decreased. By two weeks, nothing was left. If I’m really tired, I still have days where I feel more depressed but it’s normal. 

As a final advice for ladies with Baby blues, hold your baby. I know you don’t want to. I know it’s hard. I know…I just know how it feels but hold him. Tell him all that you feel. When he cries, hold him. Never let go of him. If you breastfeed, put him on the breast as much as possible. Even if you don’t want to, you’ll see that once your baby starts sucking you’ll feel better. Also, REST. Don’t be silly- when baby sleeps-SLEEP! Even if you can only sleep 10 minutes, it makes a difference. Also, eat! Find time to prepare something quick to eat…you need energy. Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk about it. Talk about the way you feel, how powerless you are, how bad you feel, how you don’t want this baby, how this is not the way you had things planned. Talk it out! Don’t be afraid to ask for help- do yourself and your baby a favor- ask for help. 

Good luck ladies, it’s not easy, it’s extremely hard but you can do it and most important; you are not alone.

Adapting to Baby...

24^th of October 2011 (4 weeks 1 day)

Hi Noah,

I’m writing this as you as sleeping on your stomach by my side while the cat is sleeping between my legs. See, while you sleep on your stomach, we have to constantly watch you because it’s not considered safe. So, Mommy is giving up on sleeping time to make you sleep. Isn’t that great? I prefer to be sleep deprived then to hear you cry all morning though. Just a personal choice. Daddy is gone to work and we’re here…with Soleil. Lots of things have been going on during those past weeks. Probably too much to write on here or even to remember. You’re growing so fast. You had your three week appointment with the midwife and you’re doing great. You weight almost 10lbs and you’re 56cm long. You’re growing so fast!!! 5,5cm in 3 weeks dude! You’re also learning to do some sounds and you actually have a schedule at night (much appreciated-thanks). You fall asleep at 10pm after Mommy breastfeeds you, then you wake up at 2am for a diaper change and some more food. Next feeding is at 4am and then at 6am. Not too bad, right? Usually, after that you don’t have a schedule. Sometimes you’ll sleep till 11am, other times you’ll wake up every hour. Granted that when you wake up constantly you get very fussy. Not fun for neither of us. If you sleep a lot though, you’re in an excellent mood. We love that!

In the afternoon, when daddy arrives, he usually takes care of you. He’ll take you if you’re sleeping and if you’re not, he’ll make you sleep. Recently it’s gotten difficult because you LOVE to cry yourself to sleep. There is nothing we can do. You’re changed, fed, burped, no gas, you’re not cold or hot. You just want to cry and sleep. We still try to sooth you and hold you but you just cry in our arms. It’s hard for us but we know you’re just tired and want to go to bed…It gets hard for Daddy because he doesn’t like to hear you cry. Mommy is used to it and to be honest with you, I just embrace it… One day you’ll grow up and you will be able to communicate better with us. When you’ll be tired, you’ll say “Mom, I’m tired, read me a story so I can sleep please” (or something of the sort) but right now you just do “OOIN OOIN”. It will get better. We’re still trying to figure out what you mean when you do little sounds or little movements. We’ll get there- I promise. All that matters is that we love you and you…well…you don’t love us yet. Noah, whatever what happens to you in 15 years or so, whenever you feel like we’re working against you, please don’t forget all that we’ve done for you and that we were able to deal with you when we didn’t even know what was wrong. Just let us know what you want and need. We can deal with it. There is nothing that love can’t overcome and trust me- every day that goes by, we love you more. 

That’s the update we got for now. I’ll write more to you later- you’re waking up!

We love you Baby!

First week home

12^th of October 2011 (2 weeks and 3 days)

Hi Baby Noah,

I wanted to take some time while you were sleeping in my arms to tell you how precious you are to us. You were so wanted and waited for that to have you here with us sounds like a miracle. I’m pretty sure that’s what you are, our little miracle. Daddy and I are cherishing every moment we spend with you. We can’t wait for you to be older and to actually talk to us but at the same time, you’ve already grown so much since birth and I feel like time is running by us. So, we are taking a minute at a time and enjoying what life has given us. 

A few words about your first two weeks; we spent 3 nights at the hospital. The night you were born, no one slept. I didn’t really consider that a “night” per say. You were born at 1h14am and we were still up at 4 am. Mommy had a caesarean cut, so she couldn’t get up to pick you up. Grandma or daddy would be the ones who would have to take you when you cried and give you to me. That was hard for me. I felt that I couldn’t really do much except breastfeed you. I wanted to get up, take you and swaddle you but I couldn’t. The second night was fine. We had visitors during the day and everyone kept telling us how adorable you were. Daddy and I were thrilled but really really tired. The third night was our last night at the hospital. You were losing too much weight and nurses were putting too much stress on Mommy to breastfeed you more when inside of me I knew you would be fine. We came home. As much as at the hospital you had a perfect sleeping pattern, once you got home things got complicated. Mommy had much more milk and you drank very often. We were up a lot during the night and it wasn’t fun for either of us. Thank goodness that Daddy took a week off, Mommy couldn’t have done it without him. You also decided that sleeping wasn’t too much your thing. You preferred to stay up and cry. To be honest with you, that was fine when Daddy was not working but once he started work again, we didn’t appreciate it that much. We were both tired and we couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t expect it to be this exhausting and hard. 

Our schedule at night was something like this; you would wake up, daddy would change your diaper, Mommy would feed you, we would spend 2 hours to put you back to bed. You would fall asleep, we would sleep, you would wake up a few minutes later. We would then repeat the schedule. Ex.hau.sting. Feeding you was also not great at first. Mommy felt like giving up a couple of times. You weren’t gaining enough weight at first. Nurses wanted me to supplement breastmilk with formula and I didn’t want to. Mommy ended up having LOTS of milk to feed you. So the hard part was to feed you at every hour or so. With time it got better. You started to sleep a bit more at night. 

You’re not always an easy baby to deal with but we want you to know that we love you and we would do anything for you. You’re just so special to us and we feel blessed to have you in our life. So keep growing. We’ll keep loving you and be there for you.

Noah is here!

11^th of October 2011 (2 weeks and 2 day old)

Hey everyone!

Noah was born on September 25^th 2011 at 1:14 am. He weighs 9 pounds and measures 20 ¼ inches. He had to be delivered via c-section due to many reasons (to discuss later). He’s perfect. He has gray-blue eyes, blond hair and looks identical to his dad. Seriously, is that kid even mine? 

We decided not to post any pictures of Noah online but believe me, the kid is cute. His favorite activity is sleeping and boobing. He is a very calm baby but he gets gassy and fussy at night. We are still working on a solution for that. We are obviously blessed to have him but it’s also a lot of work. I don’t know how I could do it alone. Stephen is doing well, tired but well. 

I’m sorry if this message seems to be all over the place (it is!) but I’m writing this in a rush before baby wakes up! 

Thank you for reading and for your patience.