The subconscious world

Last night I had this dream that left me uncomfortable. I figured that maybe writing it down would help me process it somehow. Last time I wrote here, I mentioned about friends whom you get along with but shouldn't be friends with. Well it seems to be much more on my conscious than I thought it would be. So let me describe the dream...

I was sitting in a dark-ish room with a big round table. I was sitting in the middle, I looked great... I was wearing that purple silk blouse, my hair was all done, I was smiling and happy. Stephen was at my right, my best friend V was at my left, in front of me was another friend A with his girlfriend, on the right corner there was another friend S and his girlfriend and on the left corner were my friends A and V playing cards. We were having a good time. I was mainly observing and laughing, Stephen was holding my hand and laughing too, V was on her phone... S and his girlfriend were flirting, A and his girlfriend were talking to us... A and V were just playing cards. So anyways, the door of the room was open and my phone rang. Before I could answer a friend R comes in and the room goes quiet. All he says is "Carlinha" and reaches out for my hand. I look at him and by the time I'm about to say something he's gone. I remember becoming anxious but the the feeling was soon replaced with laughter and feeling good. R would pop up here in there in the room. There were a lot of places around the table to sit but he would stand up, remain quiet and disappear soon after. He perhaps showed up and disappeared a good 4-5 times... I even whispered to Stephen "he's lost... I can't grab his hand, he's on his own." I Looked at him and it kind of became very vague as a dream... I can't really recall the rest.

Now, let's interpret that... I don't wear purple that much and certainly not silk, but it's a royal color, so I assume I was the center of the attention there, as if it was my table, my group of close friends... Stephen is really my right arm, V, she's always there also. Then there are friends in front of me, I see them all, I see what they're all doing. Everyone is having a good time, I'm even letting in significant others that I don't know all that much, but I don't seem to mind at all. Then when R shows up, it's anxiety taking over, which is substituted by forgetting about it and think about something else. The thing is... you shouldn't get anxious when friends contact you, however R only seems to contact me when he needs help or when he's in trouble... When his life is turned around. I guess I associate him reaching out as something bad or drama entering my life. Then, as my friends know, he's in and out of my life... He hasn't stayed in my life for longer than a few months without us stopping to talk but he's never really absent. As I said, he reaches out when he needs help. So him just saying my name makes me think he needs me but then he just...goes. I really am a person that is always ready to help, but I cannot help people who refuse to be helped or who don't stick around to get the help they need. I guess he doesn't really...need my help, he just doesn't want to go. He wanders around, doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't sit... As if I'm resilient to introduce him or tell him to sit. Finally, Stephen's words just did it... he's lost, I can't help him... He's a grown up, he needs to do it on his own, I'm not a convenience that is around when he needs it.

I don't need friends like that... I don't have time or energy to handle someone I will never be able to help and whom will just hang around when he needs me and leave when he's fine. I'm not getting anything out of it... My friends aren't getting anything out of it, my family isn't... Why are you around? I think it's time for R to go towards the door in my dream and to close it behind him. I'm no longer worried that he needs me, I know he doesn't.

Lesson; listen to your dreams and to your subconscious ;)

Thanksgiving, doctors and family

A week ago we were celebrating Thanksgiving. We had such a good time, lots of happiness, laughter, FOOD, family and friends. It felt so heart warming to see everyone together having a good time. I'm very thankful for my family and friends, for the peace within all of and all the love. I'm also really thankful for all the stability that I have in my life. It seems so natural to some, but stability is so precious and we don't realize how important it is in our life. Sure we might complain that we're following a routine but a stable job, stable life style, stable family... It's really amazing. I'm also very thankful that we're all healthy, so important.

On the same note, I'm really really really happy to say that Emma's vision is doing GREAT. She is really doing good. Her prescriptions remain the same but her patching is going down to 3/4 times a week for 1 hour a week. So that's exciting. She's finally able to alternate eyes while seeing and keep a fixation with her left eye. She was never able to do that before. So yeah, she's doing great. So so happy. 

On a totally different note! I realized something a little sad this past week. I realized that there are different types of relationships and friendships. That you can get along with someone but that it doesn't mean that you should be friends with that person. I guess I discovered that some people are very good at making you feel like they are there for you all the time but that really only show up when they need help or when it's in their advantage to do so. It sucks, big time... Because you know what? You actually feel like helping them because you feel bad for them, but as soon as they feel better, you're out. I guess you just need to focus on the good relationships and friendships and forget the other ones. Sure, be there for people but don't go out of your way for someone who wouldn't go out of your way for you. 

Oh, and how does one wash a blankie without a crisis? And Stephen, baby, I know you will most likely read this, and I'm sorry but you'd look really really hot with long hair ;) You an borrow mine whenever you'd like- and by the way, thanks for making me happy. I catch myself smiling at memories of you and me. 

We're good! Busy bees.

October 6th. I looked at the calendar this morning and it strikes me. What a bittersweet date. I'm still grieving you, but I don't know how to grieve. It's still an open wound that I am scared to close, because then you'll just go. I know I'm not alone grieving you, that does help. My mom called me this morning and the first thing she asked was "Do you remember what today is?" Of course...

On a much more positive note, the week end was awesome, the weather was great and we got to go outside a lot. We went for ice cream yesterday with the kids and I really think it will be our last ice cream of the season. It was really nice, the kids love McDonald's strawberry Sunday... well who doesn't?

I re-read my last post. ha... I don't think I was any less patient than usual, but when Stephen read that post he looked at me and said "where in your cycle are you??" Yup, he kinda figured me out by now. I'm back to my old impatient self now. Coffee does help. *sips*

Anyways, other than that, I went shopping a bit... Got new jeans because all of my old ones no longer fit (YAY!), I fit in a size 13... Which is amazing because just 9 months ago I was an 18. This week promises to be really full. I'll be leaving in the next few days for a couple of days and I cannot wait to see my family. Like...my whole family. :)

Nothing else to report! Except that I made Salmon Tartar yesterday and that it was de-li-ci-ous.

Patience, where the heck are you?

I've been feeling SOO impatient recently. We had a great week end, it was sunny, we went out as much as possible and we still had some time to take it easy and relax while watching a movie but Monday I felt like I was energy drained. You know when you have a crazy week end and when you get to Monday you feel like it's Friday? Yeah well it feels like it's Friday.





It doesn't help that the temperature has been really ugly since yesterday... It's been raining on and off and it's impossible for me to go for a jog or outside exercise even if I'd like. It leaves a great open door for shopping, but it's just not what I want. Ughhhh. Also, the sun has been getting up later and later... When the kids wake up at 6 am it's still dark and by 6h30pm it's pretty much dark also. No sunshine and no nice weather makes Carlinha a dull girl.

Emma has been fussy also. Not sure if she's teething, picking up my attitude or just whinny but dear God... I need patience right now. Coffee and ice cream aren't helping. Wine is somewhat doing the job but I'm not up for 260 calories every day on booze... So rum might be a better option, but it isn't as good with meals... You know? What is a mom to do...

On the bright side; I got healthy and cute kids... And a great hubby, everything is going good and I feel extra blessed... Just really impatient. I'll try to boost my french mix coffee in the morning for an Italian brew... It seems like a smart idea :) Ok... Only coffee lovers or desperate for energy moms will understand that coffee reference.

My baby's 3rd birthday!

I guess I shouldn't call him my baby anymore... When I say "Baby Noah" he always replies "No mommy, Noah is a big boy!' So, I guess yesterday was my big boy's birthday! It was a really nice day. It was sunny and warm outside, it was a calm day during the day and when Stephen got home we went to pick up Noah's cake and we went to pick up Mcdonald's (birthday boy's choice!) We got home, I finished setting up the table and we ate... Then we opened the gifts and Noah was thrilled. He got a Lightening Mcqueen laptop and a towing truck. Emma got a Dora laptop, she's pretty happy as well!!! So my baby is 3... I'm not even sure how to feel. Stephen got home yesterday and after kissing me and all that stuff he asked me "Did you cry today??" I smiled and I had to admit that I did have a tear... or two thinking about Noah growing up. He was my freakin baby... He used to be as long as my forearm! Probably shorter... He's so grown up, I'm SO proud of him...



So anyways, his cake was just a regular vanilla cake with airplanes on it... He enjoyed it but he was really too excited to actually have any. He really DID enjoy opening his gifts though haha. Again, I'm so proud of him. There is really nothing else to say... He's an amazing human being, he's kind and loving. He's also growing up way too fast... That's the story.

Late yesterday we also had a friend come over!! Noah was already in bed (otherwise he wouldn't have slept!!) so it kinda sucked but it was nice to have someone over and get to share a piece of cake with him. I feel blessed to have all of these friends and people around us. Oh!!! And it's been a couple weeks since he had seen me, so the first comment he told me when he saw me was "WOAH! YOU LOOK AMAZING!" Which was nice.. I mean, I'll take that. All that to say; friends are cool and weight loss makes me feel like a million bucks!

Everything else is pretty fine, Emma is SOOOO grumpy recently. It's just a phase but...get it over with already! She's still cute and adorable... So I guess I'll have to deal with it. I'm still going crazy with everything that there is to plan but I feel like I can focus and probably get most of it done this week end... And Stephen has a cold... A man cold, so he's pretty much dying.

Mixed emotions... Sooo many emotions

I feel like I could write a wall of text today... SO much is going on and I feel like I can't tell anyone about it. The feeling you get when you either feel like people don't want to know or that you shouldn't tell people. It's such a weird feeling. You feel happy and sad... Both together, as if they were hugging. Yup, that sounds weird.

So anyways, everything is going well. Lots of recent changes in my life. Honestly, the past week has been filled with surprises and weirdness. I like surprises... and I like weirdness, so that's good. First, business is going really well and keeping me super busy. It's pretty busy and there are A LOT of trades going on right now... That means a lot of transactions and many opportunities for me to mess up, which is bad, very bad. I'm trying to focus the best I can, trying to work on it when the kids are napping and when they aren't too demanding but it's not the ideal situation... Also, I recently realized that one of the problems of dealing with foreign countries is Holidays...  I'll most likely not be home for thanksgiving and it kind of gets to me. I want the best of both worlds and I know I spend all day with Stephen and the kids, but there is something special about being able to have ALL your family together, and I believe that I won't be there and that it's non-negotiable... Sacrifices. When asked to describe how I felt about business in one picture, this is what I sent one of my friends... I feel like biting my foot off lol.

Then, I recently had two people contact me within hours of each other... One if an old friend whom got busy with work and studying. He's doing great, very successful, I was really happy to hear from him. The second one is someone who swore he'd be out of my life. Yeah, it doesn't sound good said that way huh? We both knew we were kidding ourselves though, and we both knew it was coming. So I gave him space, and now he seems to be fine and definitely in a happier place than where he was a few months ago. I know he's found of the saying "If you love someone, let him go, if he comes back, it's yours." Well, he's back, can I claim him as mine now? I guess! Seriously, I'm really happy that he is feeling better and that he decided to keep me in his life. When we talk to each other (which is practically all the time now, because bad habits are hard to kill!) he really sounds happy... It makes me really really really happy. I'm definitely repeating myself... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad he's back in my life and that it feels like we never stopped talking. We just... didn't lose anything. He's easy to talk to I guess... BUT (because there is always a but) it's still a stressful situation for many reasons. Hopefully we'll get through that soon.

Finally (and most importantly), I'm a huge mess today because it's Noah's birthday tomorrow. Crap... I remember starting this blog when I was 5 WEEKS PREGNANT. He's about to turn 3... My baby boy is going to be 3. It sort of hit me like a train. He'll never be one again... Or two... Those times are gone, and we have no choice than to go ahead and move forward. I worry SO much. I want to give him so much, I do my best every day to be the best mom for him, I bring him to places I know he would love, I drag him to places I know he'll hate... I care about him 24/7 and I love him more than I can even imagine. It's so hard to believe that he has his own personality, that he is learning stuff on his own, that he watches and mimics... It's amazing. Oh god... My baby is going to be 3... I don't know how Stephen finds it so normal and rational... He tells me "well, you complained for 9 months that you couldn't wait to see him and that you wanted him out, and now you're complaining that he's growing... Make up your mind. Oh hunny... You don't understand women, specially not moms ;) But I love you... I really do. Thank you for being that amazing dad to a 3 year old challenging toddler... Thanks for teaching him terms like excavator and rocks... and all that stuff you're passionate about. *tears* actually, thanks for showing him what passion is... I think that covers it.

Oh!!!! And yesterday I received an overseas package... It felt so heartwarming to receive that package R. Thank you so much, all that you got me is beautiful and I feel so blessed to have people like you in my life. I know you're far away and I'm writing this while looking outside and watching birds flying around and hanging around our bird feeder and I wish that you were either here or that I was there... Really, thank you, the bracelet is BEAUTIFUL you picked all of my favorite colors without even noticing. I know you've said that in your letter, but yeah sending a package to Canada must have bought back nice memories, I'm glad you decided to. xoxo

Mommy's stomach is gone! Well almost!

Noah has this habit of tapping my stomach. I think all kids do, right? I remember that I used to jump on my dad's stomach and make it jiggle, I also used to play with my grandma's flabby arms, so I guess I deserve it. Any way, Noah liked to tap my stomach, jiggle it, stand on it and stuff. I'd tell him to stop and he actually listened (after a few "stop!'s" 

So a few days ago, I wasn't exactly waking up as fast as Noah would have liked, so Noah decided to tap my stomach to wake me up. He gasped and said "MOMMY! where is your stomach???" Instant smile on my face... Thanks Kiddo! Love you!

So, I've been keeping up with low carb lifestyle, then I've also been jogging. I seriously look amazing and feel amazing or at least Stephen says so... And I believe him! 

So just keep on persevering and do what you gotta do! Don't give up!!!